Following on from conversations about tiredness and burnout in the second half of last year, I’ve realised something I thought I’d overcome is still a massive issue for me.
While it’s nice to have time to shower, toilet, lay down or listen to a podcast, I really struggle with not being with Henry. While it’s still hard, I think my brain somehow processes the necessity for separation so I can work; but that’s it. As soon as work is finished I should, I need to be there by his side. I feel this in terms of desire but also responsibility.
Even running, which I know supports me mentally and physically, in part I'm running at 4am so I don't miss time with Henry when he is awake.
It’s lovely Henry has a good relationship with Laura’s parents, but still I feel like why are you feeding him or taking him to the park. I should be doing that. It’s both my responsibility and my privilege. Why am I giving that away.
It’s great Henry’s doing so well at nursery, but I often leave the car park having dropped him off thinking why aren’t you spending the day with me. Why am I not helping you paint, play, run around, climb, sing, dance and pick up leaves. Why am I working instead. It breaks my heart a little each day.
I love our little boy so much and am so grateful to have the opportunity each day to get to know him and to help guide him.
That pressure, which I’ve mentioned before, to make the most of every moment can be wonderful, but it is also very tiring. Both in terms of being active but also mentally shifting from the complexities and challenges that can come with working and the responsibilities that come with parenting (in the way I feel it, that maybe similar or different to how others feel).
I want to, and feel I should, be there when Henry falls, when he succeed, when he cries and when he smilies his beautiful smile. I want to be there to cheer him on, and I want to have a relationship where he wants me to be there to cheer for him.
I think potentially those two things: that desire to be the best parent I can be for him and marvelling at each day of this life we have (something that challenges my depressive brain everyday by saying look at this life, how dam lucky are we, how dam hard have we worked for this, this is a gift and a privilege) make my days both harder and more rewarding.
I do not have a close connection or open communication with my family and I dont want that for Henry. I want to create an open loving experince and relationship with him. To create a strong and stable enviroment as his parent, to foster that so as he grows and evolves so does our relationship.
I've got more to learn about being a parent and how my/ our experince of parenting will shape us and Henry. I know as he grows our role will change. He will become more independant and want to explore, and that will be hard. But also amazing to see and be part of his development into childhood and beyond.
Parenting is tricky, tiring and hard. But not becuase he cries, or wakes up, or poos everywhere or gets ill at nursery; he's a baby/ todderer(!), those things willl happen. It's hard, and tiring because it's a privilege.
Signposting to support
Self care for depression - mind.org.uk
Ways to support yourself - yongminds.org.uk
Support with low mood - nhs.uk
Support with parent's mental health - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/parenting-and-mental-health/
Support with parent's mental health - https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/
Support with parent's mental health - https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/