A combination of illness and end of year reflections have left me thinking, and worrying. How long can I do this?
<This posts was written two months ago, I am feeling more positive now (though I also now have another illness. Having a toddler and a partner whos a Teacher is not helping my illness record right now.>
Heath is something I have tried to improve, with eating slightly more heathly, moving more and the running. But that feels like it’s not mutch of a defence for the waves of stresses hitting me.
I worry that along with the daily battle for my mind, I’m starting to lose a surprise physical battle. Sure illness has affected this, but I think it’s just highlighted something I’d been ignoring. That I’m physically worn down. The 6am to 9pm day, every weekday being filled with rushing from task to task. Making time for me and to exercise means getting up at 4.40am on a Sunday, because there’s no when else to do that.
Right now it feels like I’m staggering and struggling to keep on my feet, that I’m a step or two away from falling, and I can’t see how anything will let up enough to let me recover.
While life is always a privilege, it is also tiring. I’m usually lead parent, I’m trying to protect our space and experiences so they are not harmful for Laura, I’m trying to prepare our house to sell next year (hopefully), I'm trying to manage responsibilities and growing tasks at work; all while trying to manage my own mental health and wellbeing.
In recent weeks I have had panics that I’m going to become over stress, stretched, panicked and or depressed. That if my body is pushed too far will it give in, as I’ve wanted to in the past. Will it reach a point where my system can’t manage? This year I’ve know people (of a similar age to me) have heart attacks, strokes, and that not to mention the panic attacks.
I feel pressured in that spot between, needing to keep doing everything to support everyone and a desire to rest, recover and ensure I’m still here to support everyone in 5, 10, 20 years.
It all feels very… pressure.
Writing this has helped a little, even if just in the moment. Writing has balanced my breathing, slightly reframed my thinking. Much like my experiences with panic episodes, it’s also left me tired. So hopefully (it’s 4.30am on Tuesday) I can get and hour of sleep before the day begins. (Bloggers Note: Yes I got an hour of sleep after this)
This also helped with two things. Firstly, and likley for another post, I still really struggle with Henry not being with me. There's a few elements that are part of that feeling, but they need more reflecting on. Secondly, I do need to slow down. Maybe that becomes doing less, maybe it doesnt, but I do need to slow and breath. And I will.
Wellbeing tips:
Try to find wellbeing activities that support you
Try to find your Safe People, these maybe friends, colleagues, family, or professional services
Consider talking to your GP if your stress, worry or mood become too negatively affected
Check out talking and or listening services
Find your local Mind
Chat to Samaritans
Signposting to support:
Self Care for depression - mind.org.uk
Ways to support yourself - yongminds.org.uk
Support with low mood - nhs.uk