Last night I had the worse nights sleep for at least 18 months, easily the worst in this house.
While things have been busy lately I feel like I’ve been taking care and making some time for myself. This makes me feel worse about last night; because I don’t have the excuse of over working or self neglect. I feel like I am generally 'doing good'.
What I am pleased about is waking up and within a few minutes I’ve hugged Laura and am writing out my thoughts. Which I know helps me express and move on from them. Writing continues to be such a valuable tool for me. It allows that expression that I am so often unable to appropriately communicate or adequately verbalise. Yet somehow, someway, I am able to release some of that pain, confusion and sadness by writing.
Last night started like many others. I went to sleep around midnight or half past and listening to a podcast. During the night I had dreams about relationship failure, upsetting or disappointing Laura and general low self worth. Between dreams or states of consciousness I was reaching to scratch or rub my head. Even in my sleeping state I managed to stop myself by keeping my hands mostly at my sides and away from my head. At the same sort of time I would be pushing my head into the pillow and rubbing it as hard as possible. In an attempt to perform as much pressure and friction as I could.
I felt both the need to self damage and self protect. A confusing mindset. In that sleepy state I told myself I’m failing at everything and that I should be on medication again. I felt sad, uncontrollable, failing and annoyed. I think I also felt confused because generally I feel I’m doing good. And this feels like it came from nowhere. It’s scary.
I’m hoping that it’s a one off and tonight will be different. I know there’s likely always going to be these moments or lapses in my thoughts/ emotions. But that doesn’t make it any easier when they happen.
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The above post/ experience was written in the morning after that night, while still in bed processing my thoughts. It is now a few days later and I have some distance from that experience. I feel like its more responsible to share this after knowing Im ok and I have some space from the event. It is something I have started to do with most of my more personal posts. I am not sure if its needed as such. But I like it allows me to add a little, I guess a kind of post script.
It also means I am able, if I want to, to share the writing from within the moment in a way I feel is responsible and hopefully comforting and maybe informative to someone out there. But as always, these kinds of posts are just as much for me (if not more so) than for anyone else. Maybe one day Ill look back and read them all? Im not sure, maybe Ill be too much to reflect on... who knows.
I am pleased to have this space, this tool, this strategy to support, manage, maintain, express my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Sometimes those are struggles, some times they are successes. Some times they are something in-between.
Right now, I'm grateful for everything I have picked up, learnt, collected and considered. It's all supported me to better understand and manage my mental health and more specifically my depression. On top of that I now have the amazing support of a loving partner too. So tonight when I go to bed, could it be another bad night? Yer, sure. It could... But it may be a good night too. Either way, in the morning Ill wake up to a hug and a new day.
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Relevant Signposting
