It is definatley not summer anymore. I have been tricked more than a couple of times by the brightness outside, which is not as warm as it appears.
The end of summer... I mean are autumn and spring just two months between summer and winter now? It doesn't seem an even split of time. What happened to having four seasons?
Alot has happened over the last month or two: I have tried to start running again and failed, I have change my coke cola addiction into an acceptance of pepsi max and coke zero. Laura and I had our first trip away and visited Cardiff. I have been delivering more mental health awareness training at work and I have set the dates for a few upcoming events. Not to mention looking into getting a mortgage in 2019.
Some of my time has been very productive and I have been part of some good conversations and events. I am really pleased with how work has been going. I am pleased with the podcast developements and getting the Mental Health Blog Awards date and venue set this week.
I have loved spending time with Laura, our conversations and hugs continue to be a source of happyness and growth for me.
However I cant help notice the negative (it was really hard to get this far without mentioning them). I think it's that side of me thats always looking for the bad or negative. Like its going to happen so I would rather be prepared for it. I feel like ignoring the negative is being dishonest, you are making it look better than it is. Thing is, I don't have a problem with ignoring it, it's good to notice things. My problem is I go there first, or focus on that rather than the positive.
Maybe it's part of me wanting to get that out of my sistem, so I can then focus on the positive... maybe? I have always gone for bad news first, in the good news bad news situations. I do eat my lease favoutre parts of food first usally. Maybe there is somthing in that?
Two things I have been doing recently that are interesting are: Sex ed and Alpha. Two completely completely different 'courses'. I am still attending these, so I'll hold back on talking too much about them until I have recieved all the sessions. But they have both been very interesting in their own ways and quite thought provoking.
I had a not too great weekend three weeks back. I realised that while I have come along way, I am still not where I want to be. I was struggling with those intrusive thoughts again and some self harm urges. So I called the GP, it still feels hard, emotional and (it's important to note it is not, but it did feel) like defeat.
My conversation with the Doctor, later that day, was good. He spoke about experiences he had had with other patients (without revealing details and I really felt like he got it a bit more. He instantly changed my medical from 40mg citalopram to 50mg sertraline. Good news (first for a change) is that theres no hair related side affects. Bad news, it may intensify negative thoughts.
Since taking the new meds I havent noticed a big change, in fact the only thing I have really noticed is my dreams seem more real at the moment. I have woken up a couple of times because I've been failing or getting hit or cumming (thankfully I wasn't cumming real life, though actually... I'm not sure if I am thankful for that).
My attention span has decreased again. It's fine if I have something physical to do, but working on the computer has proven hard to manage when there is substantial work to be done.
I have a rearranged appointment with the Doctor in a weeks time, hopefully there will be some more information in relation to my symptoms.
It is so important to seek that help and support that maybe useful. It's one of those things I say all the time, but all too frequently don't do. If fact when I did call the Doctor, it was prompted by me looking for carer support for Laura, because I do worry and want to access support for her. I worry being with me and seeing some of the things I do will be too much. I worry that if she stays she becomes unwell because of the emotions and thoughts developed by seeing someone you love be the way I am.
It was only when thinking about Laura's health that I even really thought about my own and that really I should also be looking for me.
Well, heres to November hopefully bring some calmer times and better support. Just in time for the fudging winter blues. I don't know what this year will be like (winter). I still have the same thoughts, but Laura is a happy festive person, so we will see who rubs off on who, hahaha.
Lets end on some positives:
I have signed up for RED January with Mind, and am going to try and keep active all January
I met some awesome people recently at the Harley Therapy event in London. Podcast coming soon
I have 2 meetups planned for January - February
MHBlogAwards will be back in 2019
I have a new logo for the blog and podcast
I hope your lead up to winter is going well, remeber to notice the good things.
