This post is from a week ago. I wasn't quite ready to post it because it didn't feel real.
I am in a state of upset and I don’t know what to do. I feel emotion pushing through my body.
Tears rolling from my eyes my hands and feet are restless, they want to rage they want to hurt, they want to inflict pain. They want to feel pain.
My mind races thinking everything and nothing.
Fortunately I have my notebook with me. Fuck, what would I do if I didn’t have a book to write in? I may actually become one of this people that writes on walls.
My emotions have been rocked by seeing a post on Facebook. It appears a school friend was missing for 3 days and was then found by his sister, having taken his own life.
Dave was amazing, we grew appart in secondary school as we made different friends. But we were close in junior school.
I remember visiting his house, having been told he had started to dig tunnels to his friends houses. It sounded great. We would all be connected by these tunnels.
When I got to Dave’s house and walked into the garden it’s fair to say I was a little disappointed with the one to two feet hole in the ground.
I’m feeling really shit because Dave sent me a message in December and we swapped plesentarys and neither of us really said much.
Hindsight is a fine thing, but I’m left feeling like I should have done more. Why didn’t you say something Dave?
That’s a stupid question, I know why. Stigma, fear, shame, sadness and feeling worthless. I know because I have felt it too.
I wish we had one more message, one more chance to say something.
I really like you dude!
It seemed like you had everything, good humour, a family, work, a happy life I hope you were able to see how great your life has been and how many people like and love you.
I’m sure it wasn’t all good, but some of it really was.
I will always remember you.
Writing has helped me to rebalance this evening. The rage has passed for now.
I hope Dave’s story is shared. If you are struggling please reach out, speak up.
You are not alone