New Years it's a very reflective time. Even when your not trying to be reflective. I suppose that is ingrained into us from a young age that there is something special about new year and it being an opportunity to look back at the last 12 months, and think about the upcoming year too. New year is another part of the holidays I have always enjoyed, whether it's been watching fire works on tv, or from Ports Down Hill (a hill overlooking the Portsmouth area), or going out with friends (admittedly I think this has happened once or possibly twice). The celebration of our achievements little or small has always been a feel good thing for me. What's more I have enjoyed thinking about the future and where that may lead me, the opportunities and possibilities.
This year is definitely different, I'll give myself that. I would say I'm probably trying to avoid thinking about what's happened at the moment. Maybe tomorrow I'll be positive, and say thanks for all the friends I've made. Right now, I just can't muster a positive thought...
This new year I've had kind of planned for a while. I'm going to another Talking Heads gig in Southampton. Originally on my own, but I've gradually gained fellow party goers, with three friends now joining in the evening. I've been looking forward to this for some time having booked the tickets back in late November or early December. However, now the day is here I'm feeling less and less up for it. I feel the anxiety taking over, and a desire to just get into bed and turn everything off. As I type this my hand has started to shake as the real thoughts and emotions start to come to the surface.
I wonder what would happen if I didn't come back tomorrow, how long would it be until someone noticed, would someone come in time to feed the cats, or would they go elsewhere to find food? How long could money just leave my account to pay bills? Should I tidy so it's not a mess?
I do think I have felt better since Christmas has past, however I have had this before where something is overcome to accomplished. Then a few days later it's back.
The cats have become mini saviours, they break my thought process. They come over and rub against my leg, arm or even head, and it's flips my thinking. Not every time, but most. I don't like the thought of hurting myself in front of them, and they do somehow seem to force that caring me to the top (yes there is a cat here now, and the tone has already changed). I still feel the sadness, but it is being repressed for now. This is still a concern, that not knowing why this is happening, or how to work on whatever is wrong with me. Repressing feelings can be done in the short term, but surely this can't be a long term plan. How could someone live like this?
There's other material I would like to cover, more positive things, but this isn't the time. This is more of a journal entry that I just needed to get out / say.
Sorry it's not more uplifting.
Happy New Year